Read from the start HERE.
(Let's start at the very beginning...)
Lol.
Thursday
THE FINAL CHAPTER oh thank God for that
It was cute when Sue Lyon did it.
Loopie Luke says:
"Im 25, and looking for someone to experience everything there is to experience sexually- and not just necessarily sex"
(see PHOTO!!!)
Notes: O god! Your face! Get it off my screen! Yes I probably will have sex with you because you look like you'll kill me and rape my corpse if I don't.
Notes: O god! Your face! Get it off my screen! Yes I probably will have sex with you because you look like you'll kill me and rape my corpse if I don't.
Status: FAIL
I.A. says:
"I would pull on your hair and kiss you everything. Which hole...who cares and long as we are enjoying it. Imagination is unless."
Notes: You know you're in for a good time when a guy says, "which hole? Who cares!" It's like the 'before' caption in an AIDS awareness campaign. The 'after' would be "HOLES: choose them wisely".
Status: FAIL
M. Chan says:
"Here's my fantasy:
You. Dressed up to the nines, tight little black dress, heels. You're sitting down in a swank hotel restaurant, waiters walking briskly to and fro. Little excited butterflies fluttering around your stomach.You feel a little exposed. No bra or panties. No one knows our little secret. Through the night, my hand glides up and down tantilising over your thighs, your sex feels wet, your nippes erect. Heart pounding, you feel so turned on you want to scream, but you can't and that feeling grows and swells, driving you crazy. We trade glances of secretive lust. Exquisite torture, you don't know if you can hold on. It's dessert, you look at me with hunger in your eyes. I shake my head, not yet.
Finally it's time to go and you are bursting with pleasure you can hardly walk straight.
We're in the bedroom tearing each others' clothes off. You're gasping with need. On the bed you feel my strong warm body on yours, skin on delicious skin. I tie you down to the bed with my tie your hands together and spread your legs, teasing you with my lips and hands, driving you ever so close to the edge. You're screaming for release, full of unrestrained pleasure and then I'm there. We take each other with pent up over wild hunger and lust that's been building all night and explode together into rapture.
Little about me:
I'm 5'6, asian, slim, ruggedly handsome enough that people don't high tail it to the hills. When I'm not terrorising my physio patients, you'll usually find me tapping away in front of the keyboard trying to write Matt's version of the great Australian novel. Only relatively recently redisovered my creative side (imagination? healthcare professionals don't need that!) and am enjoying myself immensely, writing and reading books for pleasure and not study, who'd a thought?"
Notes: Wow, I can really tell you're a novelist. And not just because that email was so fucking long. It's the little details: the brisk waiters, the little butterflies. SECRETIVE LUST, EXQUISITE TORTURE. That sounds like the title of a film that was made in another language and that I never went to see. The part where I'm at the table almost exploding with SECRETIVE LUST, EXQUISITE TORTURE just makes me think of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally when she's faking orgasm in a cafe. I always kind of wanted to do that, just to see what happened. Maybe if I ever have the guts to cafegasm I'll give you a call, M. Chan, and you can come watch. That's if you're not already the next Tim Winton by then. I'll assume you're not.
Status: FAIL
Steve S says:
"Basically I'm interested in training someone to be my toy. Don't have alot of time now."
Notes: He doesn't have time to write more than 2 lines in an email but he has time to train a human being to be his "toy"? How do you train to be a toy anyway? All my toys just sit there on my bed, staring at me. Can they do other things? Should I have known about this? I HAVE BEEN BUYING THE WRONG TOYS. My dog used to try and get it on with one of my stuffed bunny rabbits; I guess he had the right idea.
Status: FAIL
S. Metu says:
"hey! live in adelaide and comes to melb every 2 weeks. am a big guy 6ft4 big build! would love to hold your tiny body and ram ma big dick in you. how i would love to tear you nice little arse apart and make you scream to me. i dare you ! just one hour with me when am tipsy. if you are genuine i dare you!
Arse Tearer"
Notes: Mmm, nothing says "sensual" like having your butthole ripped open by a drunken giant who calls himself the Arse Tearer. Also, when it comes to sex I tend to avoid anyone who uses "ram" as a verb; it seems to imply forcing something that doesn't quite fit. Wait...When it comes to sex I tend to avoid anyone who uses "ram" as a noun, too. It seems to imply ILLEGALITY I don't know why I narrowed it down to just verbs. "Ram" as an adjective is fine.
Status: FAIL
Jaysun:
(photo)
Jaysun's message is not important (something about getting a hotel room where clothes are banned. I actually think they closed that hotel down a few months back but I haven't the heart to tell him.) What I would like to focus on is his photo. Srsly how babin' is this guy?! He pretty much fills all my criteria. Buzz cut? Check! Tracky dacks? Check! Playboy undies (possibly female)? Check!! Ben Cousins rip-off tattoos? Check, check, check, checkaroowldfjfnjgdgdfk. If only he had a rattail and an eyebrow ring, he'd be my Dream Lover. Once he got out of prison, that is.
Status: FAIL
Overall verdict: WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME. Everyone is gross. Suddenly all the weird one-night-stands I've had don't seem like such a failure.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink a quart of Royal Stag and cry over a photo of Tom Selleck.
ROUND THREE in which I start to wonder what my life has become
If only Jesus could see me now. Or my father. OH GOD.
Since I could read at age two, I've wanted to be a writer. I've always written. It's one of the most important things to me. I still do it a bit when I find the inspiration, but most of my time is wasted on the Internet doing stupid shit like this. I reckon I could write something good if I was determined, but every time I think about determination and/or success, I want to cry.
I guess this is better than nothing! (Note: it probably isn't.) BACK TO THE EMAILS.
Joel M:
This guy just attached photos. Admire ability to hold camera and cock at the same time but he looks stumpy. NEXT.
NB: Photobucket won't host photos of people's cocks (prudes!) so I had to censor this one. Note I have cleverly disguised it as a Snickers bar.
Status: FAIL
Wild John says:
"Hi sexy:). When read u r message i felt so Honey:)). I am John 27, south African , build gym body. I love eating pussy:), i have nice lips which will take u to haven. I love sucking tits. I will milk u baby. I have strong arms I can lift u and fuck u hard:)). U will live my body.... :). I am dame sure that we could have beautiful and wild time, ppl say I am funny, and u can talk abbot any think. I have full Time job. I have car, any time I will come and see u., I could tell u more.. I am at work now// Looking to hear from u, plz email me back sexy: wild john:)"
Notes: OH NOW THIS IS WHERE IT'S AT! In my head, this guy is Bangs. I love making men Honey, especially when they take me to Haven. I went to Haven once, it was a four-room bed and breakfast in Daylesford. Friendly service but the pillows were lumpy. Two and a half stars. The owner was a cute old lady who might be uncomfortable if I invited a partially-literate South African man over to fuck, but who knows. Old ppl can be saucy. I think this guy is confused about the function of breasts, though, does he know they only give milk when the woman has a kid? My Electra complex is enough Freudian shit for one session I think, I don't need a guy with a mummy fetish.
Status: FAIL
Daniel says:
"We meet in a club - you flirt and chat to me. You act like a total flirt - showing off your body and touching my hand, my arm, my legs... I ask you back to my hotel room and you eagerly agree.
When we get there somethign changes. You turn cold treating me with contempt. Treating me like the dirty older guy that I am!!! You decide its time to leave but you cant get away that easy!!! I grab you hand and fling you over the teh back of teh arm chair that is in the room. you are bent over teh chair with your sexy ass sticking up in the air. you try to get up but I am much stronger than you and force you to stay bent over. I touch you sexy ass all over whilst holding you down. You are still struggling (but not very hard - you like this!). I touch and kiss you all over you backside and pull you g string to one side so I can access your pussy!! I touch your pussy - its very very wet. U keep pretending that you want to get away but you are trying less and less - more content to just bend ove an dlet it happen to you!!"
Notes: Rape fantasy! Hot! Too bad I don't go to clubs.
Status: FAIL
Additional notes: I emailed this guy back because I thought he had potential to be a great freak. He was doing ok for a while and wanted to get it on with me and my tight teenage pals while we were all wearing our school uniforms and panties that, for some reason, he would provide. After a few emails he got boring so I asked him to marry me and he never wrote back.
Cale Hale says:
"let me use you
let me bring you up to my place
and carry you across the threshold
and bring you to my bed
kissing you as i strip you naked
kissing your lips
your neck
feel my teeth bite into you
gently
at first
biting harder
and working own to your sexy breasts
i lick them
and grind my teeth over your nipples
making you grab my hair
i bite them harder
and grab your hands
getting up on all fours over you
i bite them harder
and grab your hands
getting up on all fours over you
i hold your hands above your head
and lower my head to your titties
biting and sucking
licking making your legs fall open
wanton"
Notes: Cuuuute! He wrote me a poem. Just like a modern day Ovid. I like poems that don't rhyme, they say "my feelings are so complex that no other words sound like them." His name rhymes, though. Wonder if it's on purpose. The last line is my fave. Good photo too, he looks totally sensitive so he'd probably let me hit him with his own shoes while he wept or something. But possibly still lives with mother? Ugh. That's only ok when I do it.
Status: FAIL
Anonymous Asian Babe says:
"19 good looking asian. i want to fuck from night to morning. i want to finger you till you cum. want to kiss you and lick you everywhere. want to do every position with you. i wan to hear you voice tell me not to stop."
Hot. Sounds like my type. I fucking wish that were him in the photo because I would go for it. DO WANT. Can not has.
Status: FAIL (due to not being real)
MDG says:
"baby, id have you walk into my office here, a short skirt and no knickers. You would simply walk in the door and drop to you knees and taste my manhood before I lead you to my stool. Strap you in and simply have my way with you throughout the day as I please??.......I hope baby is up for the challenge"
(photo)
NB: Again, Photobucket won't host dick photos (Victorians!) so this one I have cleverly disguised as Frank Zappa.
Notes: LOL I love when guys refer to their cocks as their "manhood". I don't know if I've ever tried actual Manhood; I assume it tastes like Old Spice and Brylcreem with just a hint of domestic abuse. MDG sent a photo so I've seen his Manhood and it is too small. Needs more Brylcreem maybe. P.s. the 'stool' he's talking about better mean office furniture.
"baby, id have you walk into my office here, a short skirt and no knickers. You would simply walk in the door and drop to you knees and taste my manhood before I lead you to my stool. Strap you in and simply have my way with you throughout the day as I please??.......I hope baby is up for the challenge"
(photo)
NB: Again, Photobucket won't host dick photos (Victorians!) so this one I have cleverly disguised as Frank Zappa.
Notes: LOL I love when guys refer to their cocks as their "manhood". I don't know if I've ever tried actual Manhood; I assume it tastes like Old Spice and Brylcreem with just a hint of domestic abuse. MDG sent a photo so I've seen his Manhood and it is too small. Needs more Brylcreem maybe. P.s. the 'stool' he's talking about better mean office furniture.
Status: FAIL
Rob Saxon says:
"only things i dont really like are shit and blood but otherwise down to try anything.done a lot but always more to learn. got a few tatts, prob say more the rough street look but fresh always."
Notes: He sounds OK. I like a man with tatts. Then again, I also like shit and blood so it probs wouldn't work.
Status: FAIL
Reflection on my life so far: FAIL
ROUND DEUX YES I'M FRENch now my capslock broke halfway through writing that
By the by, here is the photograph of myself I posted along with my listing:
So now you know what peeps are on about when they refer to my bangin' bod. Which is bangin', yeah, thankyou. And yes that is me in the photo*. If you don't believe that's really me you are a girl and are definitely jealous. Or you read Esquire, who knows. This post has taken a turn for the...not-sexually-explicit (the worst kind of turn!) so I'mma get back down to the freaky stuff. Ow!
Status: FAIL
Craigie says:
"Im 24,and im currently working as a police officer.
=we should meet, on the tram and let me stare at you,as you stare back and watch me get hard through my pants due to all the things that your going to do for me, when we get off i will take you back to mine where right away i will puh you down on your knees, pull your pants down and start while i rub your thighs, as i spread your legs wider i will begin to lick ur pussy tasting ur sweet juices.
From there instead of sliding my cock in your pussy would move it up and fuck your face,you on your knees,head back with my know about one inch inside and slowly push it in further,making you suck it like an icecream..
I'd move back down to your pussy and slip my throbbing cock into your wet pussy. laying you back,holding your legs apart, and pushing it deep as it can go and flat out fucking you until you cum.
before i cum i would take my cock out and bring it to your face,shoving your mouth over it and letting me cum down your throat"
(photo)
Notes: Craigie sent me a photo too (see attachments). Aggressive stare + phallic mountain = ttly sexy pic! Would like to see in uniform. Also sent photo of semi-hard dick but photo is boring. Love guys who talk about girls and their "sweet juices". Have they ever gone down on a girl? That juice ain't sweet, m8. It's even worse when they reckon dicks taste good! "Suck it like an icecream"? What's with the sex-food crossover? I like to keep them separate, Craigie, too many cocks spoil the broth or whatever. God guys are stoopid. This guy sucks at grammar too. I hope he doesn't do what he just proposed to all hot girls he stares at on the tram. Creepy. I totally feel like some icecream now.
Status: FAIL
Kenneth says:
"hey I'm 18 as well I want slide my long hot pulsating shaft into your tight asshole whilst I finger your vagina and hold your neck with my powerful arms I would slap you if you weren't taking it properly and shove my pussy juice covered fingers in your mouth lets fuck check out my pic"
Status: FAIL
Bob Blair says:
"Can I help you? You want a ‘dirty man’. A man to fire your imagination. A man to make you wet.
Well look no further.
Let’s start with your imagination. Talk about your sexual needs. Pleasures that come to you in dreams. Let’s explore where your sexual desires will take you.
You enjoy talking about your deep and unfulfilled sexual wants. For starters you don’t like wearing panties.
You want to make love with another man. To make love in all sorts of positions and places.
You hope you’d be relaxed enough to have a man make anal love to you. But maybe you need training.
You enjoy your body. You’re happy for a man to see you naked.
You want to explore your sexuality. For example, you want to see how much semen your vagina and anus can hold and for how long.
You ask yourself how many orgasms you can have while lovemaking. And how long a man can keep you naturally lubricated.
Interested?"
Final notes: what am I doing with my life?
*OK so it's obv not me, don't sue me Esquire pls!!!!
You can't tell but I was actually typing as this photo was taken.
Ted says:
"I recently turned the big 3-0, so age range all good there. Hurrah for me! I'm blond, on the athletic side of average and meet your other criteria. Professionally employee engineer, etc etc, living in St Kilda. Anyways, now that that's out of the way, I'm enjoying the prospect of your proposal, so I'm hoping that you haven't yet had your fill from the inundation of replies you must have received by now. And yep, I enjoy all the things that you suggested. Additionally, play and see gigs, movies, play rugby, all the usual stuff,"
(photo)
Notes: Nice photo, Ted. I see he knows Brendan Fevola. I hate Carlton and the Brisbane Lions so that probably works against him, but I also like snail trails on men so I am confused. The deal-breaker is that I usually file engineers, rugby fans and people who use terms like "the big 3-0" under 'Boring, Probably Wouldn't Fuck', sorry Ted.
"I recently turned the big 3-0, so age range all good there. Hurrah for me! I'm blond, on the athletic side of average and meet your other criteria. Professionally employee engineer, etc etc, living in St Kilda. Anyways, now that that's out of the way, I'm enjoying the prospect of your proposal, so I'm hoping that you haven't yet had your fill from the inundation of replies you must have received by now. And yep, I enjoy all the things that you suggested. Additionally, play and see gigs, movies, play rugby, all the usual stuff,"
(photo)
Notes: Nice photo, Ted. I see he knows Brendan Fevola. I hate Carlton and the Brisbane Lions so that probably works against him, but I also like snail trails on men so I am confused. The deal-breaker is that I usually file engineers, rugby fans and people who use terms like "the big 3-0" under 'Boring, Probably Wouldn't Fuck', sorry Ted.
Status: FAIL
Craigie says:
"Im 24,and im currently working as a police officer.
=we should meet, on the tram and let me stare at you,as you stare back and watch me get hard through my pants due to all the things that your going to do for me, when we get off i will take you back to mine where right away i will puh you down on your knees, pull your pants down and start while i rub your thighs, as i spread your legs wider i will begin to lick ur pussy tasting ur sweet juices.
From there instead of sliding my cock in your pussy would move it up and fuck your face,you on your knees,head back with my know about one inch inside and slowly push it in further,making you suck it like an icecream..
I'd move back down to your pussy and slip my throbbing cock into your wet pussy. laying you back,holding your legs apart, and pushing it deep as it can go and flat out fucking you until you cum.
before i cum i would take my cock out and bring it to your face,shoving your mouth over it and letting me cum down your throat"
(photo)
Notes: Craigie sent me a photo too (see attachments). Aggressive stare + phallic mountain = ttly sexy pic! Would like to see in uniform. Also sent photo of semi-hard dick but photo is boring. Love guys who talk about girls and their "sweet juices". Have they ever gone down on a girl? That juice ain't sweet, m8. It's even worse when they reckon dicks taste good! "Suck it like an icecream"? What's with the sex-food crossover? I like to keep them separate, Craigie, too many cocks spoil the broth or whatever. God guys are stoopid. This guy sucks at grammar too. I hope he doesn't do what he just proposed to all hot girls he stares at on the tram. Creepy. I totally feel like some icecream now.
Status: FAIL
Kenneth says:
"hey I'm 18 as well I want slide my long hot pulsating shaft into your tight asshole whilst I finger your vagina and hold your neck with my powerful arms I would slap you if you weren't taking it properly and shove my pussy juice covered fingers in your mouth lets fuck check out my pic"
(photo)
Notes: I like this guy! He's assertive and to-the-point, and he knows what he wants. The slapping is a nice touch I think I would enjoy (see: Aforementioned Daddy Issues, DUH) but I think what really turns me on is his lack of any punctuation at all, as if he's so excited to fuck he just doesn't have time for commas and semi-colons. At least that's what I was thinking until I saw his photo. I don't know why but reading that, I totally thought he was Asian. It was hot. You can see him trying to be Asian with those gimpy glasses but it's just not the same.
Notes: I like this guy! He's assertive and to-the-point, and he knows what he wants. The slapping is a nice touch I think I would enjoy (see: Aforementioned Daddy Issues, DUH) but I think what really turns me on is his lack of any punctuation at all, as if he's so excited to fuck he just doesn't have time for commas and semi-colons. At least that's what I was thinking until I saw his photo. I don't know why but reading that, I totally thought he was Asian. It was hot. You can see him trying to be Asian with those gimpy glasses but it's just not the same.
Status: FAIL
Bob Blair says:
"Can I help you? You want a ‘dirty man’. A man to fire your imagination. A man to make you wet.
Well look no further.
Let’s start with your imagination. Talk about your sexual needs. Pleasures that come to you in dreams. Let’s explore where your sexual desires will take you.
You enjoy talking about your deep and unfulfilled sexual wants. For starters you don’t like wearing panties.
You want to make love with another man. To make love in all sorts of positions and places.
You hope you’d be relaxed enough to have a man make anal love to you. But maybe you need training.
You enjoy your body. You’re happy for a man to see you naked.
You want to explore your sexuality. For example, you want to see how much semen your vagina and anus can hold and for how long.
You ask yourself how many orgasms you can have while lovemaking. And how long a man can keep you naturally lubricated.
Interested?"
Notes: This whole thing reads like an infomercial for Bob Blair's 'Sex and Psychology' 6-disc DVD offer. "Are you tired of the same old sex life, night after night? Running out of dirty Japanese keywords to Google? Well look NO FURTHER than the all new......" My Imagination? Really? Well that was a fucking letdown. If I wanted imaginary sex I'd be at home with my Vibratex thinking about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not asking real live men to fuck me. The weirdest part is where he gets all Freudian psychologist making these weird assumptions about my sexual psyche and the 'pleasures that come to me in dreams'. Slow down there, Carl Jung. You're right that I want to "make love in all sorts of positions and places" but one of those is not flat on my back on a leather chaise. I think I'm just going to ignore the notion that girls who don't like being anal fucked "need training" and skip to the part where I ask myself how many orgasms I can have while lovemaking. Nope! Wrong! I ask YOU how many orgasms you can give ME while lovemaking. OHH YEAH BOB BLAIR HEY THAT RHYMES. In other words, Ask not what my cunt can do for you, but what you can do for my cunt. A-HA!
Status: FAIL
Final notes: what am I doing with my life?
*OK so it's obv not me, don't sue me Esquire pls!!!!
ROUND ONE
As above.
Coby says:
"I'm tall, slim, guy with a 7 inch cock.
I'd love to get you on all fours, and lick your pussy and asshole until you're satisfied, then fuck you doggystyle nice and hard until you scream, for starters."
Notes: 7 inches is not too bad but that whole encounter sounds kind of standard. Do girls who post on Craigslist want standard encounters? My guess is: no.
Status: FAIL
Ryan says:
"I am married and am not looking for a partner although I have an opening this Sunday to do something naughty.
You would have to come to my office because I am working but would there I could do bad things to you or have you do terrible things to me.
I take pleasure from pain and would love for you to beat me, abuse me, use me..
I am also great at giving pleasure so could do everything you wanted, eat you, fuck you, spank you.
All for the fun of it."
"I am married and am not looking for a partner although I have an opening this Sunday to do something naughty.
You would have to come to my office because I am working but would there I could do bad things to you or have you do terrible things to me.
I take pleasure from pain and would love for you to beat me, abuse me, use me..
I am also great at giving pleasure so could do everything you wanted, eat you, fuck you, spank you.
All for the fun of it."
Notes: "I have an opening"? Really, Ryan? So nice of you to squeeze me into your tight schedule before you squeeze yourself into my tight vag. And come to your office? Where the fuck do you work? I'm pretty sure if I brought a dude I'd found on Craigslist to my office for a wild sex romp my supervisor would make some calls to payroll and take those hours out of my wage. Or, you know, fire me. Your saving grace is that I have weird misandric issues and the idea of abusing and beating a man seems fun. Wonder if you'd be cool with me kicking you in the balls a few times and then leaving? Suspect not.
Status: FAIL
Toby Jones says:
"I am late 40’s and I work out daily, I hope that you would see something in me and yes I would love to have some fun with you. You look great so I hope to hear back from you. If you require $’s I can Help,"
"I am late 40’s and I work out daily, I hope that you would see something in me and yes I would love to have some fun with you. You look great so I hope to hear back from you. If you require $’s I can Help,"
Notes: This is a bit awkward since I know a Toby Jones. He's in his 50's but lying about age (as well as size, appearance, relationship status and also EVERYTHING) seems to be the norm in sex listings so it might be the same guy. My Toby Jones definitely doesn't work out every day. He is a real estate agent. He has a beer gut. He drives a car with his name written on the side. I do appreciate this guy's offer to Help me out financially however I don't think residential real estate agents earn that much money and he only used one $ symbol so he probably wouldn't Help enough to buy me a 1963 Triumph Thunderbird and 5 grams of coke, which is what I really want.
Status: FAIL
Roy says:
"Hi Babe,
Yes I am a dirty guy that will do to you what ever you want to be done to you, I love all sorts of things, I can meet today if you wish and we could have some serious fun. Hope to hear back from you very soon."
"Hi Babe,
Yes I am a dirty guy that will do to you what ever you want to be done to you, I love all sorts of things, I can meet today if you wish and we could have some serious fun. Hope to hear back from you very soon."
Notes: Ohh. I meant dirty as in 'doesn't bathe', not 'sexually deviant' dirty. That's disgusting, Roy. NEXT.
Status: FAIL
Jeff Blank says:
"Hi you certainly are beautiful and sexy,i am gentle and sensual would start by kissing you, kissing my way down your neck whilst i run my hands up your top so i can feel your silky skin gliding my hands over your back and up your sides, kissing my way down to your breasts kissing you through your top then with my hand undoing your bra and taking it and your top off holding you up against my bare chest i love the feel of bare breasts against my chest , reaching down i run my hand up your leg untill i have your ass cheeks in my hands gently squeezing them now as i kiss your bare breasts i trace around your nipple with my tongue until it becomes hard with excitement my hand now moves to your front every so gently brushing your pussy through your panties until i can feel the fabric of your panties becoming moist now i start to kiss my way down your stomach stopping at your belly button and giving it a nice tender lick , my excitement grows as i can smell your desire kissing down to your panties i feel the wetness on my lips and my excitement is at boiling point as i slide your panties down your gorgeous legs i can now finally taste your desires licking and sucking your sweetness you hold my head tight against your pussy as you approach orgasm moaning loadly as you cum allover my tongue, i now sit and with you facing me i lower you down on my rock hard cock slowly you slide up and down getting faster as our excitement builds until we both explode with orgasm blowing my hot cum deep inside you as a mix of both of us oozes out down my cock and all over my balls."
(photo)
"Hi you certainly are beautiful and sexy,i am gentle and sensual would start by kissing you, kissing my way down your neck whilst i run my hands up your top so i can feel your silky skin gliding my hands over your back and up your sides, kissing my way down to your breasts kissing you through your top then with my hand undoing your bra and taking it and your top off holding you up against my bare chest i love the feel of bare breasts against my chest , reaching down i run my hand up your leg untill i have your ass cheeks in my hands gently squeezing them now as i kiss your bare breasts i trace around your nipple with my tongue until it becomes hard with excitement my hand now moves to your front every so gently brushing your pussy through your panties until i can feel the fabric of your panties becoming moist now i start to kiss my way down your stomach stopping at your belly button and giving it a nice tender lick , my excitement grows as i can smell your desire kissing down to your panties i feel the wetness on my lips and my excitement is at boiling point as i slide your panties down your gorgeous legs i can now finally taste your desires licking and sucking your sweetness you hold my head tight against your pussy as you approach orgasm moaning loadly as you cum allover my tongue, i now sit and with you facing me i lower you down on my rock hard cock slowly you slide up and down getting faster as our excitement builds until we both explode with orgasm blowing my hot cum deep inside you as a mix of both of us oozes out down my cock and all over my balls."
(photo)
Notes: LOL is that your real name? Jeff Blank? This guy included a photograph of his face but not his dick, I actually thought that was a nice touch. He has a goatee! I have never had a man with a goatee "give my belly a nice tender lick", "suck my sweetness" or "kiss down to my panties while smelling my Desire" before. I actually stopped wearing Desire when they discontinued the eau de toilette gift packs but it's still cute that you noticed that, Jeff Blank. Most men don't. I also like your descriptiveness! You are somewhat of a writer, aren't you Jeff Blank? It's just your luck that I am particularly attracted to writers, however it is just your misfortune that I could pretty easily find a hotter and more interesting version of your erotic novelette on the internet. As well as hardcore porn. Gold star for effort!!!!!!!
Status: FAIL
Final notes: I think I've wasted my time.
in which i lose it (finally)
(This is what came up when I Googled "bored rich girl")
Drink
Commit petty crimes
Buy pets and / or make friends with people who have pets
Hard drugs
Sudoku
Have meaningless sex
Post kinky fake listings on Craigslist asking men to describe their fantasies and promising to fulfil them.
Since I have exhausted decided to avoid the other items on that list, I chose plan g and did my thang in the 'Casual Encounters' section of the Craigslist personals, a murky corner of the internet notorious for breeding sexual deviants and murderers. Edgy!
I basically said that my main interest was pleasing men. I wrote something like, I want to please a man by fulfilling his ultimate fantasies. Lol. Then I told them to email my freshly-created fake email address describing, in detail, what they would have me do and/or do to me. And look, not to be like a creativity snob here, but that could be anything really, I mean ANY. THING. And looking back, I'm a bit disappointed in the lacklustre responses. I mean they were explicit, yes, but really they were just about sex. I guess I was hoping I'd hear from some real freaky guys who wanted to dress me up as their dead wives, or get goats involved, or yiff. There's a story for the grandkids! But I digress.
I added "I am not looking for love or romance. I need a dirty guy not a boyfriend" to avoid toying with anyone's feelings (the ones located outside the pants area) and also because those emails would have been boring probably.
Oh and I also said I was 18. I thought about saying I was 16 and decided I really didn't need to know about the kind of guys who'd be into that, plus it sounded too much like a sting.
Is it morally wrong to coax strangers into sending you intimate emails and then publish those emails on the internet? I assume so. Good! I hate morals. They killed public hangings and now they're coming after bukkake. IS NO PERVERSION SACRED?
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